1.25.2010

WARNING: melancholy post


I will first say that I am alright and that this is just a blip on the radar screen. I have tried to make an effort to be mostly positive on my blog, but after much thought I realize that I started this blog as a way to express myself, to put things out into the universe, to get things off of my chest. So no more rules about positivity. This is my life, and it's not all good. I am sad and not coping well lately. I feel lonely and confused and resentful of people in my life, mainly my family. This is another reason that I didn't want to gripe about family issues here, to respect their privacy. But, I'm kind of over it.

Over the last few years, since just before my first pregnancy, my life has been an emotional roller coaster with my family. The long and short of it is that after several years of feeling like my relationship with my mother was unhealthy at best, I decided that I couldn't be a part of it anymore. After August of 2009, I haven't communicated with my mother. I don't even really have words to describe how difficult and confusing the process has been. I am up and down and all over the place about it. It is a strange grieving process when the person is still around. It is even more complicated due to the fact that I have kids that still want to see her. Harder, still, because Owen thinks that it is because of me that they don't see her. He thinks I am keeping them from her. I don't want to correct him because then they will be even more confused as to why? My mom has seen my kids 2 times since August. Two times. She lives 25 minutes away.

It has been so difficult the disillusionment that came from having two beautiful kids and having a picture of what the family situation would be like and coming to terms with the reality of that picture being so vastly different than what I had imagined. My kids hardly ever see any of their grandparents and it really, really hurts. I realize that this probably affects me more than it does them. I am trying so hard to be okay with the reality. I am a dreamer and a romantic and this is the story of my life. My pictures are always too glossy and vibrant and I always seem to make the process more difficult in letting the real "picture" come in. I fight it the whole way. I am always trying to teach myself to not have expectations, even of myself. I can never even live up to my expectations, I am always letting myself down. But still those expectations fight their way in.

My situation with my father has also gone down the tubes, with my aunt, with some cousins. The problem is, that I have grown to learn that our lives are a reflection of exactly what we have created, what we feel safe with, what we are asking for. People in our lives just line up and give you exactly what you are asking for from them on a subconscious level. Now I need to figure out what I really want, what I would like to feel comfortable with.

My heart hurts right now and I felt like I needed to put that out there.

Does anyone else reading this have any advice re: family messiness? Have you been through something similar? What did you do to make it through the hurt?

11 comments:

Vel said...

Awww...big hugs to you Tricia. I can only imagine the hurt you feel. I have never had a "breakup" with my parents and I know I am very, very lucky to have parents who are essentially my best friends, but my sister and I did not speak for two years. Finally I forgave her and moved on and now we have a healthy relationship again. But that whole not seeing each other thing and thinking about the pain of what caused the "breakup" is and was difficult.

My own mom has been disowned by a few of her family members, her own sister who was for many years her best friend, is one of them. I see her heartache and when my sister and I recently had a mini falling out I gave it a couple months and then decided to contact her and forgive again. I didn't want to be in my mom's shoes now or later in life.

That's not really advice but it is my way of saying you're not alone with the family issues. It happens and it sucks. If you can try to get your kids together with your mom it would probably be nice for them and you might feel better about the whole situation. Even if you had to drop them off once a month for an all-day visit or something? Just a thought.

Hang in there. {{hugs}}

Jessica said...

I wish that I had advice or words for you that would make everything stop hurting instantly. I can tell you that my husband went through the same thing with his family. His mom and dad are divorced and are both remarried. Which is double the hurt.. He felt exactly the same way you did a few years ago when he would invite them to events, birthdays, etc. and they would not show up or call with excuses. They also attend all of the other grandchildrens events just not our kids. I can tell you he was pretty devastated and did not understand why... But through prayer and advice from others he has decided to expect nothing. So when they do show up (which isn't much) or they do call(which is hardly ever)or they do email, he is happy to hear from them. No expectations. Both sets of his parents live 30 mins away. Our sons are 14 and they have bball games etc. in the towns where they live and they do not come to the games even then.
One thing that my dh and I always say to eachother is that we will never be those grandparents that are not involved. We will never do that to our children/grandchildren because it is so hurtful. Let the kids see your mom etc. and keep those thoughts to yourself...honestly once your kids get older they will figure it out themselves...it will be better that way. My kids have.
After I read your post I saw your photos on the side of your blog and Tricia you have a wonderful family...it is their loss. Totally their loss.

Oddly enough most times our family treats us worse then our friends would ever dream of...

I hope something I wrote helps you!

The Lancaster's said...

Hey Trish

Well you no my situation isn't much better let me know if you need to come over and have a "venting session". I am trying very hard to accept that I will never change my in-laws and that sometimes friends or even neighbors are better than family. Don't forget that sometimes the best family is the one you make with your husband and children...your own legacy!
I have also lost the two greatest people I have ever known my memere and pepere this past year so I am learning that Sean isn't the one suffering from not seeing his in-laws that its actually their lost :)

Sending you my love & positive energy Chantal

Jocelyn said...

Families tend to have there difficulties and hey that is FINE...You have the right to make your decisions for what is most healthy for you!!!!

I am fortunate to have a great relationship with the family...but please know it is far from perfect...it takes work and there are days that I could scream from the rooftop but.....I try my best and I don't allow them to stress me!!!

Big Hugs to you and thank you for sharing this with us!!! WE SUPPORT YOU!!!

Valerie said...

Tricia, I really have no advice to give you. Unfortunately, we don't get to choose our families like we do our friends. We are put together and sometimes it's a great fit, but often it is a combination of personalities that just don't work well together - yet we're expected to make it work. I think that sometimes we just need to be willing to accept that the situation isn't working, and move on. It's very difficult, though, when you have children involved.

I want you to know that I'm thinking of you, and praying that you will come to a resolution that will bring you peace.

Love and Hugs

Janet Z said...

Tricia I am so sorry that you are dealing with this big hurt. I'm afraid I no advice to give you. No pearls of wisdom but just to tell you that I have been thinking of you and missing you.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you come to some sense of peace.
Hugs Tricia!

karennarelle said...

I wouldnt even attempt to givev you advice. All i will say is that youare not alone I am sure you are loved by many people in your lifeand sometimes we need to step away from the people who dont add to our life. (unfortunately for you it happens to be your mother.) You are in my thoughts and I am sure 2010 will be a great year for you. Chin up.

Karen

Chiqui said...

Oh Tricia...sending cyber hugs to you! I'm so sorry you are going through some rough times. I don't have the perfect relationship with my mom either so I'm not sure if I'll be any help. Somehow though, I think our relationship improved when I learned to accept that there are some things about her that I cannot change.

Hang in there!

Janelle said...

i just wanted to give you a big hug girl! say that i'm thinking of you & hoping you find some clarity soon! i wish i had some advice for you! chin up though!

Kristy said...

HUGS Tricia! I had to do what you've done and just step away from my Mother. I can't take the way she treats me and makes me feel about myself. We haven't spoken in almost 2 years. It is very confusing and grieving is a great way to explain it. I'm alot like you in that I expect alot of things from life like the happy family kinda June Cleaver style. It finally been trampled into my head that its not going to happen. Moving on takes forever. My brother just emailed me in early January asking ME to call HER. She won't ever do it. Ever. And I'm sorry but I didn't do anything wrong so I'm not taking her abuse. Kinda a wordy way of saying that I think you need to do what you think is good for you and your family. You wouldn't want your kids seeing the way your mom treats you and that's one of the reasons I don't see her. Luckily my kids are young and don't remember her very much. But there is no real way to make this hurt less. You can only give it time and that will show you if you've made the right decision for YOU. not anyone else. The hardest part is sticking to it once you know. Hugs girl! You can talk to me anytime!!!

Brenda said...

ooooh I know what you are feeling...I have had to cut ties with my 2 sisters since Oct 25 2009. For years they have both attacked me and I kept forgiving them and they did it over and over again. For years I had a photo on the wall of an "adopted" family...a picture of some family I didn't even know it fit the frame I had.It kills me to have missed my nieces wedding and that I was told nener ever contact her kids....and what made it worse was that on Christmas day I found out it was the other sister who got the whole mess going and letting me take the rap for it...I thought how could she hate me that much to dance at that wedding and knowing what she did,Pinky has helped me sooo much deal with this video http://brenda-365daysofjoy.blogspot.com/2010/01/hanging-on-to-my-roots.htmlplease it helped me sooo much and Pinky also started a blog http://brendasjoy.blogspot.com/2010/01/ready-to-get-dirty.html
I need to scrap the dirty in my life to help me heal but the photos are in an envelope somewhere that I miss placed.
I am so sad for you and your children going through this.
hugs
Brenda
email me any time if you need to vent!!